Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004

PayDay

Well, after reading Jessica's diary, I have to say that Jamie, just like Joe, reminds me of my father. Looking at him now, spending time with him in the evenings, I've come to realize that I'm absolutely devoid of feelings for him.

I hate kissing him. His breath smells awful and it's just icky. I hate hugging him, he's sweaty and stinks of cigarettes, and I just don't like listening to him go on about how he's going to change and how much I "mean to him". It's all bullshit. My mother and I went out to supper last night, and she told me that Dad pulled the same thing while she was pregnant, and she left him to go to Virgina and stay with her sister, and when they got back together he went right back to being how he always was. I know that's how it's going to be with Jamie, and I just don't want it to happen to me.

I spent all morning working. It was awful at first, until John came in. For some reason he never says hi when he first comes in, but then he stops whatever tire or oil change he's doing as soon as he notices that I have no customers, and this morning he came out just to see if I had enjoyed my pizza. Of course I did, it was from him.

I spent the rest of the day half being a cashier and half flirting with John. He's so sweet that I can't help it. I look forward to going to work just because I know he'll be there and talk to me for five minutes in between jobs.

And finally, when I had to leave him, I went with my sister and we went shopping.

Today is the first paycheck I've had for a year that I've been able to spend on myself, and I did just that. And Jamie gave me $50 to put away today. To fuck with that. I've given him enough money for gas, cigarettes, coffee, weed, heroin, methadone, I'm going to take that money and buy the $49.99 Tommy Hilfiger shoes I saw at Famous Footwear that were on sale today. Why can't I splurge for once? I deserve it.

my-uhuru at 8:06 P.M.

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